Of the many, we kept coming back to today's CF topic on Chinese culture and how Dad's love fills in the gaps of Chinese homes. The speaker was a funny man, but at times the things he said was so spot on I was afraid I would cry midway of laughing, remembering how it was like growing up. To a certain extend, I never did realize the vacuum and the gaps in the family until I knew Jesus. The Jesus Love is so radically different, so free, so abundant, so non-judgmental, so kind and so real, that I began to see what my family lacked relationally that I think I began to despair somewhere a little along the way. When I began to see, the cracks had already started forming, and it snowballed so fast that there was this deep trench between my parents and I that I could never seem to close in on. I love my family and I really have a heart for them even though I may not show it in the best ways, but sometimes I cannot say for sure its the same for them at all. I quite hated it.

Sometimes I don't know why I go home for.

The speaker began to point out these things one by one, and you begin to realize its the cultural background and how our parents were brought up to behave in that way towards their kids. Sure we may be in the 21st century, but some things just stick on like super-glue.

So tonight Dad showed me my family in a perspective I never tried to see from. Most importantly, we talked about my heart for my family, for relating them to Jesus, and how I needed to operate on it before I can expect anything from my family. He's teaching me how to love again, love not just because, but to truly love another like how He loves me so much that He gave His everything, Jesus, to me. Sara made mention about truly being the "salt & light" for Jesus, and made me wonder how was I a Christian in my parent's eyes each day. In that area, I must admit quite fail lah. Most of the time I'm so engrossed being the daughter, sister and student that there is no room for being a Christian at home. Must improve on that, yessiree.

Like, whats the point if I shower all my love to all my friends and not show some bit of Christian love to my family right? Just cause its way harder does not make it a good excuse, I suppose?

But He is showing me that He is INDEED more than enough lah, to help me and all. There is a lot of forgiveness that I need to do, a lot I need to ask from too. But I know I can make it, because Dad, Dad will give me the strength, He will be that strength for me to let go and move on. Love on.

Thanks Dad.

Going to jog in the midnight rain now.