Yesterday I said this to Leo over lunch,

Yes I suppose I am quite lonely at times. But then again I believe that everyone feels the same way too from time to time, no matter if that person has many good friends, is financially blessed, is attached to a loving romantic boyfriend, is married or have many many kids/pets, that person will still feel lonely sometimes. As if the world just continues to revolve away while leaving you behind because nobody had noticed that you lost a step and so stopped abruptly to watch it go, while inside you were hoping somebody did see the change. So its not a I'm-lonely-without-friends-or-lovers experience here that I face.

I realize that it was an unconscious move to try and justify myself when I said I was lonely, and so perhaps I was not totally honest about being okay with being a lonely person inside. Because a small part of me is constantly not okay with it, not really. And I really don't mean just the romantically void of a partner kind of lonely, but kinda referring more to like the general type of alone-ness. I laughed when Leo suggested that the solution to this matter is to trust in my friends a little bit more with myself, and even though I laughed I understood the logic in that, though I may not necessarily begin to agree heartily with it. I mean, its not as simple as that? To put it simply, trusting others with more and more of myself doesn't translate into me being less alone, it just means people will know things more intimate about me and that, really is about it. Of course that's not the entirely all la, that's why I said "to put it simply".

Part of it is the fear of not knowing what people actually think and feel about me, I suppose. Since I know I can be such a good liar when it comes to smiling politely just to save your face and my face, I know anybody can just about do the same to me too. Again, that is something we all have to deal with on our own. I have low self esteem, haha.

AND I also believe that its more of a "I need to seek God first" thing la to fill the gaps inside before I look to anywhere else, which I do so often and hence tend land into such "emo" mindsets. So often I begin wishing to find that someone who understands me and knows me and still does not reject me for being who I am, and so often too I forget that I've been wishing for someone I already have, this special Person who is never too far away (:

A God that loves me and is always there for me whether I think I need Him or not, no matter in what circumstance I'm in. In that sense, I'm not totally alone. I just need that constant reminder of this simple truth. =)

Now that's why I'm not exactly depressed over it or anything. It WAS just a passing thought in a conversation and I am rather used to it, actually, the "being alone" I mean. If it means just being alone with Him for now, or even for a long long while, then I am going to say Praise God, I'm OKAY with this arrangement. Really. (: