This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. At least not it my head.

I knew one day it would be time to let go, yet this was not how I expected it to be. Never even in my vividest imagination, would I have dreamed of loosing you like how I did today.

See I had it all played out in my head, many times before just replaying a future scene. I thought that when that one day came, it would have been on my terms, in my time. By then I would have been strong enough to send you away, give you to charity or to a kid who likes you enough past your morbidity, and begin to write the next chapter of my life without you. I was going to wait until August, because August is just special. Yet I am a fool to believe it will work out my way since it never does, and you are just like you're owner in that sense that tonight the resemblance could have just struck my heart dead.

You left me behind. Now Flabbers (that's my squeaker penguin soft toy) have no more companion on the sling-bag too.

Funny the place you chose to disappear would be in the one place where everything came to be, and fell apart. Not that I would have preferred it any other way either, come to think of it. But really, of all days, today? Did you really have to?

I know it sounds really stupid and really clingy and whatnot talking to a missing soft toy that is already long gone by now, but it's not but I don't know how to explain how it isn't. Maybe I'm just not very good at letting go completely, even though I am positive I already have. I'm usually not the overly sentimental kind either, and so believe me when I say crying over the incident was something that shocked me too, that's why I didn't know how to stop crying. Or laughing. At one point I was laughing while crying at the same time just listening to Chris Sam talk and watching Carmen trying to shoo him away. It was like the harder I laughed watching their antics the harder I felt like crying too, painful yes but it was really funny!

It's not something easy to explain how I feel with my great big loss, so I won't even attempt to. Just know that I am over it, am not tempted to go back and repeat history or whatever but yes I tend to miss a lot of things in my past and it was that blue paw that kept me going most of the time. Now it's gone so I'll have to learn how to live with it.

It won't be hard I know cause I am constantly surrounded by wonderfully crapper people I keep as friends =) I'm just really really glad that when my little calamity happened, you guys were there to keep me company to look for it and even going through the cinema rubbish to find my paw and introducing terribly fattening but awfully yummy comfort foods in the form of baskin robbin and pomme frites and blocked out most of my emotional whirlwinds completely.

I don't know what I would have done without you guys la seriously, thanks =)

There's one person I have yet to deliver the news too, and admittedly I am hesitant to since I do not know what kind of response I would get in return. Indifference most probably, but not exactly in the malicious way. I'm afraid to find out, and I will stop overanalyzing things now. haha. Maybe I won't after all, besides, not like it matters much now at this stage, at least probably not for him as it shouldn't for me.

Aih, I'll ponder on this some other time lah. At current I'm busy looking for scholarships to exchange to Japan again, wish me luck!


Mood: numb
Listening to: Touei - MUCC