Once upon a time in her life, back in the days of baby swings and tremendously tall slides, life was so much simplier to her. 

Looking back, through the eyes of a small wonderer kindergarten then was like a mystical land just waiting to be explored. Apart from the colourful and inviting playground, there was this big tree that made its home right in the middle of the backyard garden, where she would clamber up excitedly during lunch breaks with the other children, bearing ignorant regards to the painful dangers of its towering heights. 

Under the shades of this tree, friendships were made simply by the sharing of a crayon stick that two needed to colour the clouds in. Fights would occasionally break out, and in the next instance friendships were repaired again amidst tearful smiles, patched with promises of candies and scented erasers as sincere apologies. Each day it was these moments that she looked forward to, to be with people she genuinely regarded to as friends, for simple childish reasons that made her smile. It really didn't matter whether each were dressed in skirts or shorts, all were equally small and new in the world, yet each held out their hearts to others more than willingly, cheerfully. 

Years from now as she grows up she will come to understand exactly why that moment in time is called the age of innocence. 

And like all ages, it is a passing moment where one grows out of it pretty quickly. 

How did it come to be that making and keeping friends would feel as though one was thrown into a war strickened battlefield? 

When did it all began to get so difficult? 

She grew and learnt quickly that there are aspects in an adult life where her inner-child must never breach. Making friends had just turned massively complicated, because really, everyone just prefers their lives complicated and confined anyway. She was made to understand that there is now a strict difference between having male and female friends that required a ridiculously long code of conduct list before a relationship can be fostered and built. 

Because now there was a difference. Unlike the days where the color and number of crayons were the basis of a bonded friendship, it became increasingly difficult for this girl to grow out of her ideal world removed of gender segregation. And that was only the first step she had to take, like an awkward penguin stuck in the amazons. 

Bearing years worth of wounded scars of emotional hurt unseen by the naked eye, harsh social lessons left her with no choice but to come to terms with it. That the few girls claiming to be friends can secretly habour dislike towards her for the longest time over tiny matters, or indulge in talking behind her back out of jealousy and spite. Hurts suddely don't heal as fast anymore, the exchange of candies as apologies has lost its magical effects. Trusts can be broken, so easily lost and gone forever. So she learnt to keep that fragile heart to herself, away from the world in a small container whom she allows very few to even have a peep at. 

Added to that, then there was the emotional tensions between genders involved too, like the crazy mindgames of bombing hints everywhere of everything but always hitting nowhere. 

She knows also that sometimes some cannot continue to be her friends, because staying as friends wasn't their main agenda to begin with. They'd leave her behind eventually, with her wondering why they couldn't just stay anyway.

She is perfectly well versed with the fact that close friendships with people not of her gender would more often than not spell an eternity of scrutiny, warnings, accusations, defamations, rejections and isolations that spirals across every social institution she belongs to. 

So she knows better than anyone today to be careful, to be mindful not to be the next gossip headline, or worst - reason for a hate-group formation. She knows whats most important is inside, the purity of the relationships she holds dear, her heart that will love much and treasure each individual that walks into her life and calls her 'friend'.

Yet there are those who will not consider such factors, but choose to see what they will, choose to say what they feel, trampling wherever and whenever they please. To these people she'd really like to say, hey, watch your steps. It hurts a damn lot. 

And even though she knows there is much more than this to a friendship, for friendships are such beautiful and treasured things, currently she is just feeling on the down point of social life now. Time and again she tells herself it is okay, but sometimes it is just not okay. Because there is only so much she can ignore, or be paranoid of. 

Though she does not regret any of it, nope, never once. 

Don't get me wrong. She is surrounded by the most wonderful of people who has bestowed her the honors of being their friend, today more than ever before. You are always her reasons for staying happy and alive in university, in church, at home, everywhere! 

And so she would like to thank each one of you, for being her friends, for ever having to go through periods of trials because of your friendship with her.  

She just needs her own time time to pick herself up again. 

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This post didn't come out the way I had initially set out to write it. Its been so long since I had my head poured out like this, everything is so terribly jumbled up, sorry bout that. Didn't mean for it to be emo too, I think. It just ended up sounding like that. There is much kinks to this head to mend out. 

But hey. To Terrence, esp. Here's the blog post you demanded. :)

And to Keen dear, it's bit the darkish gloom, but I'll dedicate this to you anyway. 

And to the special few who have been staying up late accompanying me through msn when I was feeling down. Thanks.