Like an alien invasion to the mind, its set with the sole purpose of ruining my waking moments and churning my dreams inside out into sleepless nights. Though I am glad I am somewhat unable to recall most of the devastating dreams, it's annoying how the feeling still lingers throughout the day. Mostly a bittersweet taste, it drags the spirit down. 

Its such a tragedy that my mind has a mind of its own. Tsk

Not quite nightmares, just a twisted recollection of feelings, gushes of emotions for past events I would otherwise prefer to be buried six feet under forever and ever. 

If only I could lock them all up and throw away the keys. 

But haven't I always held my doubts, especially if it means costing things to be forgotten? Memories to fade? Despite knowing better, somewhere deep inside I know I'd rather remember, and dwell upon it for as long as it takes for the sensation to return again. I can tell that with each passing day, it takes longer for it to return. Honestly, it unsettles me a rather great deal. Because now I know memories are *that* fragile. 

Reprimanding myself that perhaps forgetting is actually a good thing, reminds me of what a terrible liar I am. Self consolation isn't my greatest trait. 

I am a strong person with strong will, that I know for sure. There is no need for me to be told. There is no reason for me to be unable to overcome this if I wanted strongly enough. Question remains on the want, and tends to end with a don't want. Sigh.

But I will in the end, because I always do. 

I just need my time. Obviously its something that no one is keen on giving me. I'm sick of having the rest of the world expecting less of it, but now I know. I answer to no one about my own welfare, I don't need to agree to their muses. I'd take my own sweet time if I darn well feel like it. 

So Christmas this year is a little bit more difficult for me to walk through, so bite me then 

Still, the weeks of Comic Fiesta, Christmas and New Year won't dissapear on its own no matter how intensely I will for it to happen out of dread. So lets put a smile to that face, and finish off the year by letting the last bits and pieces of the broken puzzle go. While I do not regret anything of 2008 even once, come 2009 I'd like to have a fresh start, with new reasons to live.