Wednesday, August 20, 2008
"Tea for the weary soul" @ 4:44 PM
Lately it has been one of those days when I did it again. Its a horrible feeling inside, so lost and so numbing I don't quite know what, or rather how, to feel anymore.
See I have this amazing tendency to complicate my own life to a degree so mortifying and corrupting I am then left with no idea on how to fix it. Always happens whenever I let my guard down, never quite learning my lesson.
There is this unreasonable sort of disappointed anger welling up inside of me right now, but its not one that is on the verge to combust either. At least not yet. Not that I hope that it ever would, cause I know then that will cause severe damages on many levels and I, for one will never be able to forgive myself if that ever happens.
I suppose I am mostly angry at myself. For not being an honest person. When it comes down to this I'm never honest enough for my own good. I wonder since when did I learn to master self suppression so well.
I suppose I'm letting this get to me again. And it really doesn't help that I'm still always in the last place I ever want to be in now. I try to think of it as normal again, how it used to be. How it used to be just fine. I wonder it will ever be just fine again, I'm afraid that it never will.
Knowing that I will be the cause of it never materializing.
Then I had this amazing cup of tea with Jared the other night near his place. It was *exactly* what I needed to have.
Atop of a small small hill in the midst of a towns ville we sat just the both of us, drinking his special tea, me pouring my guts out to him. I didn't want judgment, nor justification nor pity nor sugar coated words. I just wanted company, someone to talk to. My hands would constantly caress the warm cup, staring out into the sky while hating all the sense that Jared was pouring into me, laughing at all the jokes we made.
There was a long walk around the neighborhood, with just talks of everything and nothing. There was the long drive to nowhere in particular but to listen to good music and a moment to rearrange my thoughts. There was just this silence so that I could cry if I wanted to. I really did want to, but I'm not quite good at it, so I barely did.
But I loved the company. Felt romantic, in a different kind of way. I was and still am, extremely grateful for having him accompany me the whole night.
Who would have thought really, what you sometimes find in another you assume you knew pretty well....
Oh but what is it with all these moisture... the ones that wells up ever so often these days. I do love the rain though, heartwarming for it to be pouring again after such a long drought like period.
I'm not good at dealing with this.
One day I will get over this, pick myself up and get on with it. Until that time comes, I'd like to cling back to the memories a little bit more.
=)
