Wednesday, May 28, 2008
"Greedy" @ 12:48 AM
I am annoyed today. Or was it annoyed yesterday, since it is already Wednesday. I hope I didn't mess up my HHS4M paper too badly. Actually I don't think I did, but the MCQs of that darn paper totally drained any self confidence and radiant hope of scoring well in my finals. Along the way it gladly threw my cheerful mood out the window too, causing a heavy sense of fatique ever since. I don't think I have ever been so affected by an exam paper before, but maybe it was because I felt so ready for the paper but was proven otherwise when I was left in doubt.
Still, that is the least of my worries now. Even though the exams and the course are finally over, many things are just taking a head start from here on out.
I feel pressed for time.
There is so much to be done, so much I want to do, so much that I feel I am obliged to do because of who I am and what I aspire to be. I am a greedy person, trying to squeeze as much as possible into one week and one month. The to-do list seems endless now, I don't consider myself an overachiever... maybe somewhat a little too ambitious sometimes.
Alas, I am also probably the most disorganized individual on this planet. Everything feels just like buzzing bees, whizzing around me demanding first class attention. I screw up my sense of priority along the way.
It doesn't help when everything seems to be happening all at one go either. Especially when its on Fridays. Its weird how Fridays have a tendency to overwhelm me more often than not. Fridays and Thursday to be exact, but since I'm graduating CIMP now, Thursdays are fine. Its officially a holiday break now, until I get enrolled in another Univeristy. Yet, there is no time for stopping to smell the roses. Or watch the 40Gb plus worth of anime I have right now. @_@;;
Lots of things to do. Lots.
Then again, I may rant and rave about how tasking it is on me mentally and emotionally, I do know many who had to suffer through my emo ridden rants over and over (and I'm sorry for that =X) but deep inside I do enjoy what I get to do. Most of which I find a privilege, others opportunity that will open doors in my future. All the little miscellaneous stuff I do that falls into place, it gives worth to my living. I find joy and satisfaction in being able to make a difference, albeit small ones yes. Yet I fear regrets and guilt. The tingling feelings are already beginning to ache deep inside.
What I am doing now is all for me. All about me, myself and I. For my future, also my desires to be somebody. I want my parents to, for once, look at me with pride. The self centered-ness of the whole idea unsettles me. I question the motives behind the actions I take, the answers not once to my liking.
I am afraid this will pull me away from the people I care most about. I see ahead of me in the future where I have to sacrifice precious times that could be spent with loved ones for my selfish desires and sense of purpose. I do not want to be the one neglecting people that are important, those who expects me to be by their side when they need someone to be there.
A part of me (Luca, to be exact) feel I need to lay off the burden off my shoulders, another suggests that its just the beginning and I am not meant to slow down here. I don't know. Its hard to decide sometimes. Letting go makes me feel its such a waste. I probably should learn how to say "No" to things I know I cannot afford to spend time on, even if I want to ever so badly.
Prioritize. Must learn how U____U;;;
Tomorrow I think I am going to get myself a fantastically huge and frightfully pink calander and hang it in my room. Just so I'll never fail to notice it. Sigh. I am such a lost cow.
Ahh... the emo that is oozing out of this post... Is this considered emo? I suppose it is. This post is just buying me time for distraction. I have no idea how to write a graduating speech, what to write in one, or even produce one that is as close as to being so poetically beautiful like Justin's work, nor do I have the enthusiasm to complete it tonight. Yes, this be me suffering from a bad case of low self esteem.
I should just be shot in the gut and be ripped of the title Valedictorian.
