Thursday, March 27, 2008
"A matter of time" @ 7:11 PM
I am so utterly
pissed.
At least, at first I was. Now I cannot decipher the mixed emotions anymore. Everything is in such a mess. Everything. Guess this is what you call emo.
There is a numbness inside, it's been there since this morning. All through the OSSLT test I had to sit for. All through the drive back home. All through the rush to complete my assignments.
I need to go.
I really need to go home.
But I can't.
I'm still stuck here because the KTM service was such a terrorist. I had wasted enough time waiting for the stupid train to take me to Seremban. Service malfunction forced me to wait another good 30 minutes. Just awesome.
After the announcements about the service malfunction I called mum just to let her know my train had been delayed. I don't know how the hell it happened but it became MY fault. She raised her voice at me, not much, but the change of tone was obvious. I know she is stressed out, and very much in grief right now but she didn't have to take it out on me.
I asked her why was she yelling at me. I explained that it just happened, I didn't know - hence really not my fault. I explained that I had no clue both my uncle and aunt were heading down later tonight that I could hitch a ride with them. Besides, she was the one who asked me to take the train in the first place. She probably felt the hurt in my voice. She didn't say much after that, just the questions she needed answers to.
I am grieving too. She should know.
I tried not to spark another argument. Choosing my words very carefully, I made note of the tone of voice I was using as well. Its been close to a week now with all of this back and forth traveling, all of us are exhausted. I am thoroughly exhausted, twice I went down to Seremban directly after college, came back to face the assignments till very late at night and college again the next day. I barely have had enough sleep. Driving had been precarious, as I'm sure I've been posing as a hazard on the road the past few days. Mum has been through a lot worst, she's been traveling almost daily. So really the last thing the both of us wanted was another argument.
We were civil after the initial brushes. I continued to wait out for the train.
The wait for the train was excruciating, to say the least. Thankfully I had a novel with me, but I wasn't really absorbing anything. Probably will have to re-read the pages again later.... then the train finally came. It was full to the brim, but I managed.
Then came the Bdr.Tasik Selatan stop. Since I was nearest to the door, and having no choice I stepped out to let the passenger disembark. Never managed to get back in celaka. =/ It was so full, and the people there were pure barbarians. Worst than the ones I had to suffer in the traffic jam of hell yesterday. That is really saying something.
So, twice the train came twice it was jam packed.
There was no way I could even begin to try to force myself inside. So I didn't.
I had told my mother rather firmly that I would prefer to take the train. I didn't want to be with my uncle and aunt a car at any length of time right now. The feeling of being like a cornered fugitive always creeps back whenever I land myself in that position. The questionings, the sympathy talk, the mindless conversations.... I don't quite want that right now.
I was really looking forward to the ride to Seremban alone. Armed with a good book, my initial plans were to just sit alone and drown myself in my own world, even just for awhile. I needed to tune everything out. I just need to get away for now - badly. But looking at the sheer amount of people sandwiched in those trains, I figured no why in hell will I ever get my precious me-times.
Finally I gave up and took the LRT home. I suppose somehow or rather I will be able to put up with my uncle and aunt. Sleep it off or something.
The trip back home was pretty bad. It just happened. Surges of thoughts just came flooding through, of things before and after, of the people constantly harrassing my subconscious lately, I have so much regrets now. Feeling that time was being wasted, precious time away.
I am guilty for being the only one away right now. That everyone is there but I am not, even the grandchildren from the farthest spectrum of the earth was by her side but I wasn't. That she got to see everyone for the last time but me......
I haven't said my last goodbyes.
And I really need to do it.
Not even understanding the urgency I felt, I half ran back home. There was no need to hurry really, my uncle and aunt are only coming to pick me up much later. I knew that for a fact, but still I felt this urgency to reach home as soon as possible. The sound of the crowd around me suddenly became very distinct, and I hated it. I moved faster.
Maybe because here life was still moving on. I dunno. I just wanted to get away from it.
Away from the noises.
I bought dinner, and came back home. Weary even though my journey barely kicked off. At least Bubbles looks happy to see me. She has no idea what's going on... as long as I am home, that's all that matters to her. Now I still have an hour or two to spare before my ride comes. Still trying not to think what sort of torturous ride it would be. Maybe I'll go back to the novel and re-read the pages again. Too numb to do anything else anyway.
Another few hours before I get to hug my dad. Because dad is such a stubborn character, I just know that he will bury his feelings.
I desperately need a hug right now.
There is no one left but me here. Everyone had gone home. The feeling is so numbing. I can't quite get a grip on my emotions anymore.
Grandma's gone.
I hope she forgives me. Forgive me for not being there by her side. Forgive me for being selfish, choosing my life over the end of hers. Forgive me for never knowing the right words to say to her. Forgive me for being unable to cry until this evening. I hope she forgives me.
