Monday, October 15, 2007
"" @ 3:45 AM
Sometimes you just wonder the significance of the things you do in life.
Or just he significance of you being in this life here, living.
Sometimes I guess you just think too much.
Lately I've been thinking too much. I think. There's so many things running in my head at the same time it's a constant struggle to keep focus. I feel like I am missing something in my life. Something.... fun. Something genuinely fun and happy and laughter inducing that can wipe away every other unwanted thoughts and realities.
Luca suggests that all we probably need is a fucking awesome roller coaster in our backyard. Maybe he's rightI suppose this is what sheer boredom with living does to you on rainy days. Even if it's not quite raining right now. Rain. I share a love hate relationship with rain. Funny how water falling from the sky can make you either go extremely happy with a childlike innocence, or extremely depressed as if someone just died. I am not an extremist. I don't go extremely depressed. I just stay....temperamental.. yea that should be word. Swingy, you know.
I dunno. My mood swings aren't so good these few days. More often than not it's always on the wrong end. I am hurting, and I know I am hurting others too. But I don't stop. I don't realize until the damage is done. Which of course is then too late. The latest bit was with Dad, but he started it. I just HAD to end it with spite, because it is in my twisted nature nurtured by anger to do so. It is something that I have struggled learning to control, sometimes it just gets out of hand. Must be the rain. They do funny things to ya. They do. But dad understood. Even I would slap myself for such a behavior, but Dad was in the wrong too and he knew it. So he forgave me. I just wish I knew how to find it in my own self how to forgive him to. I doubt I will ever.
I wish Luca could teach me what to do. Luca always knew, for some reason.
By the way to any who bothered to read this, do take note that you won't be able to contact me on my handphone. At least hopefully not till Wednesday. It's a long story, one I have no intention on elaborating on. Good night then.
