Monday, October 1, 2007
"" @ 2:32 AM
Time, it seems, has been at such a surprising speed and in such a messy blurriness that I had not expected it. For the past two weeks or so it seems, I have only but vague recollections of what had happened and my course of actions.
This morning, or afternoon should I prefer to be more specific in time line, I woke up with a massive head pang. It felt like I had just experienced a week long hungover. I slept well, yes. It felt good to finally be able to get some proper shut eye, something I had been deprived of for a while, and something I neglected when I had the luxury to. Anyways, there I laid on the mattress even though my eyes were wide open, I tried hard to remember what I did for the past few weeks. It was probably due to the conversation I had with Terry when he popped over at my place yesterday. I remember struggling to connect events that occur with the days and dates to tell him about it. I remember not remembering, my memory power failing me terribly. Today I was determined to piece it all back together.
really it was like I had nothing better to doI think maybe I have finally gotten it right. I may have forgotten little details. There were many a times I had decidedly swore that I would blog about certain things that *seemed* important at that point, but I never did afterwards. Lately I'm beginning to hold the definition of importance to highly, as if nothing happening around me is really worth anything to remember =/ Of course, I know that is not true. I know they are important. I am just being.... not myself I guess. Then again, after the
sms-es with
Shuu, I don't think I quite understand who myself is, or what myself is supposed to be/represent, or how myself ought to be behaving. But I will be alright, since I'm always
ok. At least, that is what I always say to
Shuu. I don't think - no, actually I know. I know he doesn't like it when I say that. Something so bloody irresponsible. But I suppose it's true. The reason why I'm always
ok, is because when you weight the good and the bad and everything else, I just can't care enough of the world happening around me to feel anything for any length of time. That's why. I'll be
ok.
Uh. I'm running off course, even when I'm thinking to myself while typing this.
I've had BBQ at
Juin's place, donation drives the entire week hence, stay overs at a friend's, yam
cha sessions with random friends, mindless drivings from
Cyberjaya till The Curve, a late night birthday party that erupted into a crazed food war and the disastrous end of a beautiful chocolate indulgence cake from Secret Recipe (trust me, any rich chocolate cake that is used for other than eating is a tragedy) It was fun when all of that lasted. With the end of almost each event I was tempted to blog, but having an infected computer and little time provided me a great excuse to be lazy and not do it =D It actually took me a seriously long time to reconnect which came first and which came later, and then I remembered the cigarettes and
cigaweeds my friends were having when I stayed over on Friday.
I swear to whoever UP THERE I loathe that stuff. I didn't get upset at them, not as I would when I find my dad smoking, or the time when I suspected my older brother that he did (thankfully he isn't an idiot though...surprisingly
XD) It wasn't something I had the right to be angry about anyway, it was embedded in their culture - it's actually NORMAL where they came from. I never uttered a word about it to them at any point, though they found it curious that I was strictly not interested in it. At one point
Gazan, or however you spell his name asked me in jest "You don't smoke and you don't take alcohol, you obviously don't club, what the hell do you do for fun man?" I recall giving him a look, as if that was the dumbest question ever. Well it was. "There are other means for me to have my fun. Personally I don't think committing suicide at a slow rate is smart, let alone fun" I can tell
Gazan not only was shocked at my quick retort, but impressed. With what, I probably will never know. What I do know, was that I was proud to stand my ground, with light sarcasm to boot. But I supposed staying over at that place for too long did have it's effects on me. I've always resented the smell of thick smoke of cigarettes, and even though I spent most of my waking hours outside sitting on my car I still suffered the dizzying effects of head pangs. I'm surprised I even managed to drive back home with that splitting headache. I've resolved that however much I adore my bunch of friends, I will never stay over ever again. Never.
I don't plan to tell this to my parents, of course. There is no need. They are safe people, a bunch which I like really much actually. That day I came to know how fiercely protective they can be of people they call 'friends', they protected me. That time, was probably the only time that I remember feeling truly grateful and happy in the past two weeks of my fleeting memory. I don't know what 'friendship' means to them, or why they decided to accept me - the only local girl, the only Chinese into their circle, or why they turn to weed and speed for fun, but somethings should just be left the way it is - I won't go prying about it.
Again I'm running off course. Actually I can't remember what I've been meaning to blog about. Here I am ranting about random things that I'll probably regret in the morning. Already
oresamaMiyavi is
disapproving of this. She'd probably delete this later too. I'll stop.
